Konoha Village Theater: Romeo and Juliet
by single girl seeks good pizza
Summary: Kakashi tries his hand at stage directing. A bored Akatsuki comes to watch. Several young shinobi perform on-stage against their will. This can't end well. anti-SasuHina.
1. The Unfortunate Patrons

_Obito: *reads off a piece of paper* Two households, both alike in dignity, In fair Verona—er, Konoha—where we lay our scene, From ancient grudge break to new mutiny— Oh, screw this! *throws paper on the ground* Otaku of Doom does not own Naruto or Romeo and Juliet. If she did she'd be a Japanese manga-ka and some old British dude who's been dead for centuries at the same time; which is both wrong and mentally scarring. *leaves*_

The Unfortunate Patrons

The Akatsuki strutted down Konoha's main street, in formation not unlike a set of bowling pins. Coincidence? Maybe, maybe not. Their mission: destroy the village like any self-respecting criminal would do.

Bringing up the rear in the fourth row, Tobi was getting extremely bored. And when Tobi gets extremely bored, Deidara goes to jump off the nearest tall building. Either that or the lollipop look-alike starts doing the Carmalldansen for no particular reason. Today, he was doing the latter.

"Missa inte chanson, Nu ar vi har med, Caramelldansen!" everybody's favorite Akatsuki member sang, doing a dance that made him look like a possessed, slutty rabbit.

"For the love of Jashin, shut the (quack) up!" Hidan yelled from Tobi's right flank, waking up an innocent baby across the street.

"But Tobi likes the Carmalldansen!"

"I'll blow him up for you, un," Deidara announced. He whipped out a hunk of clay, forming it to look like Tobi's mask with the addition of a Hitler mustache.

"That looks like Tobi! But why does Tobi have such ugly facial hair?"

"Shut up!" hissed the other two. The bomb-artist's "un" tacked onto the end of the phrase stuck out like a sore thumb, receiving an irritating snicker from Tobi. At this, Deidara opened Tobi's cloak and shoved the clay sculpture into one of the pockets.

"Heehee, that tickles!" the annoying masked man giggled, seconds before exploding and flying 10,000 feet into the air. He came hurtling back down to earth moments later, shouting, "Wheeeee!" in an abnormally high voice. He crashed into the arms of an unfortunate Zetsu, who then started fighting with himself over whether he should eat the human projectile or not. By then, every infant within a fifty-mile radius had woken up and started screaming while Kakuzu silently contemplated how much money he'd be willing to sacrifice so he could go home.

Just as Pain turned around to face his followers and beat the snot out of them in frustration, Itachi let out a cuss word, drawing all attention to him. A random old lady gasped and covered her grandchild's ears.

"That's my (cluck)ing line!" Hidan complained.

"What is it, Itachi?" Konan asked the black-haired Uchiha.

"I just remembered that I have a play tonight," he answered, the exasperation he expressed while swearing fizzling away into normal-Itachi.

"A play? Tobi loves plays!"

"Since when, un?" the blonde smacked his friend upside the head. It was true: the last time Tobi had attempted watching a theatrical production he'd run out of the building screaming wearing a pair of boxers on his head.

Itachi shot the pair a bewildered glance, nodding slowly. "Some of the leaf shinobi are performing _Romeo and Juliet_ in some theater that just opened. Sasuke got the lead and the needed someone to play a supporting role. So he forced me into it against my will." He went through this entire monologue barely showing any emotion, leading the rest of the Akatsuki wondering why in the name of Jashin anybody would pick him to be an actor.

"What happened to the (moo)ing twerp trying to beat your (meow)ing ass to death?"

Itachi paused for a few seconds, then simply shrugged.

"Tobi wants to see the play! Tobi wants to see the play!" a certain someone exclaimed, hopping up and down excitedly. Pain sighed in annoyance. _Might as well humor him; it's the only way to get him to shut his mouth, _he thought, then announced his new plan: they would go waste three hours watching Itachi and Sasuke do their thing at the theater. _Then_ they would go trash the city.

The group returned to their bowling-pin formation, and marched off in the general direction of the Konoha Village Theater. The only one who looked remotely excited was, of course, the Lollipop man.

**A/N: So, how's the first installment? (Don't worry; I'll get into the actual play in the later chapters.) Review or else I'll make you sit through the sure-to-suck insult against Shakespeare. Oh wait, by reading this story you're doing that already. I'll have an update posted as soon as possible, but knowing me there's no telling when that'll be!**


	2. Act I: Scene 1

**A/N: Time for the next chapter! This time we actually get into the play. Yahoo.**

_Disclaimer: otaku of doom doesn't own either of these._

Act I: Scene 1

The Akatsuki, sans Itachi, scrambled into the small auditorium and taking up a majority of the middle row. Konohamaru and Company sat front and center. In the third row were Tenten and a trio of teens Hidan and Kakuzu recognized as the late Asuma's pupils. Shikamaru had his feet on the chair in front of him, Choji was loudly chomping on popcorn, and Ino annoyingly texted on her cell phone. Just behind the S-rank criminals were Shino and Kiba. Their teammate and sensei were performing major roles in the play, according to the program. The very back row's sole occupant was one of the legendary Sannin, the perverted Jiraiya. Several other unknown shinobi, civilians, and random fangirls were scattered throughout the theater. The dull roar of their conversations ceased once the house lights dimmed and the curtains rose. All eyes focused on the empty stage.

Gaara and Temari entered from left stage. They each sported a crude T-shirt with "I R CAPULET SERVANT" scrawled on the front in blue letters.

"Gregory, on my word, we'll not carry coals," Temari told her brother.

"No, for then we should be colliers," the redhead retorted, in a relaxed voice unnatural for the boy. He was, surprisingly, quite a good actor.

"But you _are_ carrying coals!" Konohamaru pointed out, interrupting the scene. He indicated the gourd on Gaara's back.

"It's sand, _baka. S-A-N-D,_" Gaara replied, slipping back into creepy-guy mode.

After bantering back and forth for a bit and exchanging centuries-old puns that nobody could possibly get, two more servants entered from the opposite side of the stage. The pair happened to be Kankuro and Sai. The puppet master wore a shirt similar to that of his siblings, only his said "I R MONTAGUE SERVANT" in red letters. Sai's, however, was clearly out of costume. His read: "WARNING: PACKAGE CONTAINS LARGE PARTS. KEEP AWAY FROM SMALL WOMEN." Below the text was an arrow pointing down; typical Sai.

"Sai… what the hell are you wearing?" Temari exclaimed, appalled at the allegiance-confused shinobi's choice in attire.

"What? Don't you like it?" Sai replied, doing a model twirl.

"It's deranged and nasty," Gaara cut in. Kankuro nodded in agreement.

From the back of the theater, Jiraiya stood up and made a megaphone with his hands. "I LOVE IT!" he bellowed.

Back onstage, Sai was suffering from a severely wounded ego. He'd made the shirt himself, after all.

"All right, once this play's over we're burning that thing," Temari told he brothers. With that, Sai snapped.

"That's it!" he screamed. Within the following half second, all four of them were brawling with each other full throttle. Swords flashed, sand flew, and fake blood spilled. The Akatsuki seemed to especially enjoy that part.

Kakashi Hatake, however, was not. He'd spent several weeks preparing for that night, in hopes that Konoha Village Theater's first show would be a hit. But of course, his wish was no one's command. Five minutes in and the play had already strayed from the script. _At least the fight still got started,_ he thought, trying to be optimistic. Then he realized: his "Benvolio" was supposed to have been on stage two minutes ago. In a panic, he rushed around backstage in search of Itachi, who was desitined for the role. When he found his quarry, the weasel-man was glaring intently at Sasuke, who was glaring back with equal hatred.

"Sorry, but whatever this is, I'll have to break it up now," the jounin-slash-director told the pair, forcing a grin. He grabbed the elder Uchiha by the collar and proceeded to drag him around to the side of the stage.

Itachi looked back at his receding brother coldly, "You may have won the Extreme Staring Contest for now, but I still have the upper hand. You'll see…" The words sent a chill thorough the room, and Kakashi wondered if he should just drop his dangerous cargo and get the hell out of there.

"You're one to talk," Sasuke replied sarcastically, regarding his kinsman's awkward position. Itachi lowered his eyebrows even further.

"You were supposed on be on three minutes ago," Kakashi whispered to his prisoner, breaking yet another stare-down.

"I didn't hear my cue."

The Copy-Nin sighed. "Yeah, well, blame Sai. Now get out there." He shoved the criminal ninja onstage.

Itachi stumbled on mid-fight, which had been greatly extended due to the lack of Benvolio, managing to trip and land flat on his face. Konohamaru and other less-mature shinobi (i.e. - Tobi) snickered at the sight. Itachi stood up, unfazed, and joined the scene.

"Part fools. Put up your swords. You know not what you do," he said, devoid of emotion. He threw his hands out to the sides, looking vaguely like Moses parting the Red Sea.

At this line, Neji as Tybalt darted onstage, eyes ablaze. He drew his sword and spoke. "What, art thou drawn among these heartless hinds? Turn thee, Benvolio. Look upon thy death," he threatened.

"I do but keep the peace. Put up thy sword, or manage it to part these men with me." And the four servants really _did_ need parting. The Sand Siblings were tearing at Sai's shirt with ferocity that couldn't possibly have been an act.

Sai's cry of, "My shirt! NO!" completely drowned out Neji's next line. All the audience heard was, "Have at thee, coward!" and the Hyuga and Uchiha began a fierce duel.

After a while, Hiashi Hyuga and his wife walked on, as Lord and Lady Capulet. "What noise is this? Fetch me my long sword, ho!" Hiashi ordered. Before Lady Hyuga could open her mouth, Jiraiya had another outburst.

"You're _my_ ho, Miss Hyuuga!" he yelled, accompanied by a suggestive wolf whistle. The building completely froze, and turned to stare at the old man. He grinned nervously and muttered, "Don't mind me; go on!"

The actors were still in place when Fugaku Uchiha and his wife Mikoto entered the stage. "Thou villain Capulet! – Hold me not; let me go," the man said to his clingy wife, breaking the dead silence.

Itachi swiveled around to face the newcomers. "What? I thought I killed you!" he hissed at his parents, pointing at them in a spooky fashion.

In retaliation, Fugaku flicked a shiruken at his elder son, slicing off the young man's left bangs. "Song of a bitch…" Itachi muttered in awe, fingering his severed locks. Meanwhile, hiding in one of the private boxes, Orochimaru laughed quietly. Oh, how he loved his Resurrection Jutsu.

Back onstage, Tsunade as Prince[ss] Escalus crammed herself into the group. She was welcomed by several whoops and hollers from the male gender. Jiraiya had to add his two cents with, "Large milkshake! Yum yum!" Tsunade silenced him with a glare. She then launched into a long-ass monologue that nobody could possibly understand even if she wasn't talking faster than a sugar-high middle school girl. After she finished five minutes later, Kankuro sheepishly raised his hand.

"Yes, puppet-kid?" the blonde hokage asked with a sigh.

"Can you repeat that?" Tsunade's eyebrows lowered and the corner of her mouth twitched. She looked like a volcano ready to explode and any second.

"She means she'll kill the next person to fight in public, _baka!_" Temari reprimanded, thwacking her brother with one of her fans. The hokage relaxed, much to everyone's relief. The whole stage cleared, Gaara smacking himself on the forehead in annoyance. Only Itachi and his parents were left.

"Who set this ancient quarrel new abreach? Speak, nephew, were you by when it began?" Fugaku inquired.

"I don't trust zombies. And I'm your son," Itachi stated.

"Do you value the rest of your hair, _Nephew?_"

"Okay, fine. A bunch of idiot servants started it and Tybalt came along and made it worse. Then the Prince showed up," the younger man explained, not even bothering to say his lines properly. Behind the curtain, Kakashi's visible eye twitched.

Mikoto continued the scene in an annoyingly worried voice. "Oh, where is Romeo? Saw you him today? Right glad I am he was not at this fray."

"I love that band!" Tobi squealed into Deidara's ear. The bomber flinched visibly from the insanely high pitch.

"He was up at an ungodly hour sulking. He saw me and ran off like a coward." At Itachi's line, several snickers were heard from the audience and backstage.

Just then, "Romeo" in question appeared in the form of Sasuke Uchiha. A diverse blend of fangirl squeals and angry jeers erupted from the audience. Nobody realized he'd come on much too early.

"Speak of the devil… go, zombies, I'll handle this," Itachi instructed. He, once again, completely disregarded his proper lines.

"I would thou wert so happy by thy stay to hear true shrift—come, madam, let's away," Fugaku recited, and dragged his wife offstage.

"Good morrow, cousin," Itachi greeted, not sounding at all cheerful. At least he'd accepted his role as cousin rather than brother.

"Is the day so young?" Sasuke asked, receiving sighs from his fangirls.

"But new struck nine."

"Ay me! Sad hours seem long. Was that my father that went hence so fast?"

"It was. What sadness lengthens Romeo's hours?"

"Not having that which, having, makes them short."

"In love?"

"Out—"

"Of love?"

"Out of her favor where I am in love."

Itachi was silent for several seconds. Finally, he broke out of character again. "You're pathetic."

Sasuke glared.

"Who is she?" Itachi demanded.

"Not telling."

"I'll make you do the Carmalldansen for seventy-two hours with my sharingan if you don't." Backstage, Kakashi cringed at the horrible memory.

"Fine, you win. Her name's Rosalind, she's über-hot, but she wants to be a nun. The end."

"Wow, Sasuke—Romeo, whatever—just, wow."

Sasuke shrugged. "Not my fault; blame Shakespeare."

After another awkward pause, Itachi reverted back into robo-Benvolio. "I'll pay that doctrine, or else die in debt."

"Well, I'm going to kill you anyways, so might as well," Sasuke sneered.

Itachi swiftly reached his hand out to his brother's face. He dragged the boy out by the ear, causing him to emit several yelps of pain in the process.

As the curtains closed to signify the end of the scene, the theater was completely silent; at least until Konohamaru blurted out a dumb question that only Konohamaru (or Naruto) would ask.

"What about Juliet? Does Romeo get two girlfriends or something? Lucky!"

With no warning, Hidan ripped his own head off and hurled it towards the rascal at a lethal velocity.

**A/N: Man, that was long! According to the word count, even longer than my longest oneshot. ... This story is going to take a while. *nervous laugh***


	3. Act I: Scene 2

**A/N: Here's the next chapter guys. Enjoy! :)**

_Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. If I did, Pain would enter a world of eternal… well, pain. *hit in the head with a brick thrown from the audience* And if it weren't for all my lovely readers, I would be some nobody high school student. Thanks to Masashi Kishimoto, William Shakespeare, and my readers._

Act I, Scene 2

With all severed body parts returned to their original owners, the curtain rose and began the second scene. Hiashi Hyuga, Gaara—still wearing his shirt from earlier, and Rock Lee were huddled together on one side of the stage. The kid with the bowl-cut was, apparently, playing as Paris.

"But Montague is bound as well as I, in penalty alike, and 'tis not hard, I think, for men so old as we to keep the peace," Hyuga said, keeping as true to his lines as ever.

"Of honorable reckoning are you both, and pity 'tis you lived at odds so long—you're running out of youth! It's so tragic!" Rock Lee suddenly bawled. "Isn't it Gai-sensei?"

"It very well is, my dear student!" a voice easily recognizable as Gai's poured out from behind the curtain, dripping with equal sorrow. The pair sobbed uncontrollably. Hyuga cleared his throat; then again, louder that time, still having no effect. He tried a third time and fourth time. By his fifth try, he was coughing so loudly that it sounded like he was trying to hock up a hairball. Only then did Fuzzy-Brows pay attention.

"Oh, right. I am very sorry; I swear on my very youth that I will get my lines right for the rest of the play!"

Hiashi rolled his eyes and went into his next set of lines. "But saying o'er what I have said before my child is yet a stranger in the world; she hath not seen the change of fourteen years—"

"She is full of youthfulness! I cannot contain my exuberant joy!" Lee interrupted; again.

"Yeah… that's good to know," Hiashi said. _Oh, screw this,_ he thought. He turned to Gaara. The one-tail host was bored to the point that he was actually sleeping while standing up. Considering how the kid never, _ever_ slept, that was saying something. He elbowed the redhead in the ribs.

"Hmm?" Gaara muttered, accompanied by several yawns, snorts, coughs, and other unintelligible sleeping noises.

"Go, sirrah, trudge about through fair Verona; find out whose names are written there, and to them say, my house and welcome on their pleasure stay," the Hyuga lord instructed. Gaara nodded, and took the piece of paper from the man. Hiashi exited the opposite side of the stage followed by Lee, who was chattering obsessively about "youth" and its eternal benefits.

"And you, Broccoli, won't be married to my Juliet for another two years!" the lord reprimanded.

"But I'll be out of youthfulness!"

Gaara watched the pair, looking unusually stoned. He shook off the feeling and looked down at the invitation list. The names were composed entirely of 0s, 1s, and 2s. "When did the Hyuga's invent their own language?" he hissed at the sheet. He then glared intently at it, as though it could be frightened into submission.

While Gaara was having his little stare-down, Itachi and Sasuke entered from the opposite side of the stage. They were reciting a very simplified version of the play's actual lines.

"Cheer up."

"No."

"Cheer up."

"No."

"Cheer up!"

"No!"

"I said, cheer the hell up!"

"I said, hell no!"

"Turn that goddamn frown the hell upside down!"

"Never!"

Gaara looked up at them, and stared. He blinked several times. Then his jaw dropped.

Sasuke turned away from his little argument, facing the Sand-nin. "Good e'en, good fellow."

"God gi' good e'en. I pray sir, can you read?"

"Ay, mine own fortune in my misery."

Gaara couldn't resist rolling his eyes. "Perhaps you have learned it without book. But, I pray, can you read anything you _see?_"

"Ay, if I know the letters and the language," Sasuke answered, slight sarcasm slipping into his voice.

The raccoon look-alike let out a defeated sigh. He wasn't getting anywhere. "Ye say honestly. Rest you merry!" he said, beginning to walk offstage.

"Stay, fellow, I can read," Sasuke called, taking the invitation list. He looked over the names, noticing the odd language of numerals. _What the…?_ he thought. "Sorry. I lied," he apologized, discomfited by the mysterious characters.

"Give. Now," Itachi ordered. He didn't wait for his brother to respond; he just ripped the paper out of the boy's hands. He quickly scanned the page. Recognition flickered across his face. "That's binary, _baka._" The elder Uchiha knelt down, pried back several floorboards with his bare hands, and pulled a familiar gray-haired Sound-nin out of the gaping hole. "Kabuto, I need you to interpret some binary."

"But I don't work for the Akatsuki."

Itachi reached back into the hole, pulled out a random black cloak with red clouds on it, and dropped it on the boy's head. "You do now." He shoved the paper into the honorary member's face.

Kabuto calmly took the paper and pushed his glasses up his nose, light glinting off the lens. He studied it intently, making the occasional "hmm" or "ah" while Itachi, Gaara, and Sasuke watched with anticipation. After several moments, he announced his verdict.

"I hate to break this to you guys, but it's actually not binary. If you take note of the fact that '2' is added to the used characters, it is actually a language called 'Hyugan Trinary,' developed two centuries ago by, in fact, the Hyuga clan."

_So they really _did_ invent the language,_ Gaara thought, as the Uchiha brothers did the biggest collective face-palm ever seen by the likes of Konoha.

"You can still translate it though, right?" Itachi asked.

"Sorry, I only took Hyugan Trinary Level One and the Rosetta Stone edition for the language is still in beta testing. And everybody knows that you should never trust beta," Kabuto stated matter-of-factly.

The other three passed out and keeled over backwards, their legs sticking up in the air.

"Um… guys?" Kabuto poked at Itachi's foot, receiving a slight twitch in return. "I think I'm going to need a little help?"

From left stage, Kakashi casually strolled out, looking a great deal calmer than he felt. He quickly evaluated the situation, shooting Kabuto the slightest death glare. He zapped the sleeping trio with a weak chidori. They all shrieked in unison, jumping up like seared bread popping out of a toaster. The phenomenon looked oddly like something from Looney Tunes. They looked around discombobulated while Kakashi returned to his place backstage.

Coming back to his senses, Itachi reclaimed the paper. He looked it over one last time before crumpling it into a ball and throwing it to the side, rendering it useless. "Well, the script says you're supposed to go to some Capulet party and check out hot girls. Let's just leave it at that," he told his brother.

Sasuke raised his eyebrows in mock surprise. "Looking at girls. Fun," he said to no one in particular.

"Take me with you, boys!" Jiraiya shrieked.

The foursome on the stage stared. "No," Gaara snarled.

"But I like looking at the pretty ladies!" Everybody ignored him that time, no matter how hard it was. Itachi, Gaara, and Sasuke began to exit.

"Guys, wait up!" Kabuto called. The threesome turned around, looking rather pissed off. "I just remembered! I studied Hyugan Trinary online on one summer three years ago as well as taking the class! This mysterious piece of paper is… a list of people to be invited to a Capulet party!"

The shinobi actors blinked once. Twice. Thrice. Four times. Then, Kabuto was annihilated by four different attacks, consisting of a much stronger chidori from backstage, red and black flames, and a sand coffin jutsu. The stage cleared, leaving the Sound-nin's bloodied corpse lying unattended.

Before anybody could get a word out, or even for the silence to fully register, Tobi squealed in delight. He pointed directly at the stage, jumping up and down excitedly.

"Look, Zetsu! Free food!"

**A/N: Yes, I killed Kabuto. Because nobody really likes Kabuto. Now, I have some good news and bad news. Bad news: tomorrow I kiss my school-provided copy of **_**Romeo and Juliet**_** goodbye forever. The good news: I recently found a Choji-sized volume of **_**The Complete Works of William Shakespeare**_** lying around my house that nobody ever reads. So, the fanfic won't be ending after only three chapters!**


	4. Act I: Scene 3

**A/N: Well, it looks like my last author's note lied. For exactly a year, two weeks, and a day. The author's note is now (with the help of the lovely SparkNotes) **_**UNLYING,**_** BITCH! ... *cough***

_Disclaimer: Still don't own either. But considering how R&J was written in like the stone age the copyright's probably expired by now... *sly smirk* hehehe..._

Act I: Scene 3

By the time the curtain rose for a third time, Ino was elated that she'd brought her cell phone to the performance. _10,000 point mark, here I come!_ she thought, using the arrow keys to expertly maneuver the falling block into place.

On stage, the actors were supposedly in the Capulet house. Of course, nobody knew that considering there was no set, no props, no _anything_ to give away their location. Stupid Director Kakashi wanting to stay true to the original performances. Lady Hyuuga stood off to the right with Team 8 captain Kurenai—Juliet's nurse, apparently—hung around center stage.

"Nurse, where's my daughter? Call her forth to me," Lady Hyuuga asked, fanning herself with a random piece of paper she seemed to pull out of nowhere.

Kurenai answered, "Now-"

"GET HER YOURSELF YOU LAZY ASS!"

The two startled women turned to look at a red-faced, white-haired Jashinist cackling like a maniac.

"Oh ha ha, you're so funny Hidan," Kakuzu deadpanned, giving his partner a good smack upside the head.

Kurenai simply coughed, and continued. "Now, by my maidenhead at twelve year old... _yes_ Konohamaru?"

The small boy lowered his previously raised hand. "What's a maidenhead?"

Kurenai blushed furiously and her eye twitched. "Well..."

[Un]fortunately, Jiraiya "came to her rescue," so to speak. "Ah, young Konohamaru... You see, when a girl is born, she has what you call a maidenhead. Then, she'll meet a boy or maybe another girl if you're into that kind of thing, and they will love each other _very much,_ and the girl will lose her maidenhead in a wonderful ritual known as-"

"ENOUGH, JIRAIYA!" the normally mild-mannered Kurenai bellowed. Jiraiya froze in his position, slowly lowering his hands which he was using to demonstrate... certain acts.

"Anyway... Now, by my maidenhead at twelve year old I bade her come. What, lamb! What ladybird! God forbid! Where's this girl? What, Juliet!" the Team 8 captain continued, her frustration at the Sannin matching perfectly with her character's exasperation.

At last, the sweet, innocent Hinata stepped out on stage... by about two feet. She had seen the faces of the audience. She had seen the horrors of all the people out there watching her every move. She had given up all hope and courage she had previously. She had fainted.

"For God's sake..." Kakashi muttered under his breath. Then a light bulb appeared above his head. "Kankuro, I need you! And Naruto, put that away before you set the place on fire," he barked. The small blonde groaned a slunk away, taking his incandescent glass sphere with him. The puppeteer appeared, exchanged a few whispers with the director, and nodded.

Back on stage, Hinata had mysteriously been revived. "How now, who calls?" she asked.

"Your mother," her nurse answered.

Hinata gave a nod, and then plodded over to Lady Hyuuga. "Madam, I am here. What is your will?"

"This is the matter-" Then, rather than answering her daughter like any loving, respectful mother would do, Lady Hyuuga turned to the nurse. "Nurse, give leave awhile, we must talk in secret."

Kurenai began to exit, but then: "Nurse, come back again. I have remembered me. Thou's hear out counsel."

"Make up your mind," Kurenai groaned, and returned to the group.

"Thou know'st my daughter's of a pretty age."

"Faith, I can tell her age unto an hour."

In the audience, Shikamaru sighed dejectedly. "Not that I know much about parenting or anything, but not even knowing how old your daughter is? That's just _sad,_" he ranted. Ino and Chouji just shot him a pair of confused glances before ruturning to their food and Tetris game. No prizes to whoever guesses who's who.

"She's not fourteen," Lady Hyuuga said.

"I'll lay fourteen of my teeth—and yet, to my teen be it spoken, I have but four—she is not fourteen..."

The next several lines went in one of Chouji's ears and out the other. The only thing on his mind was how incredibly horrible it would be to "have but four" teeth. _If _I _only had four teeth, then it would be _really_ hard to eat this here popcorn.._. A single tear leaked out at the thought.

Meanwhile, Kurenai rambled on and on about a dead daughter named Susan—a rather odd name indeed—and some story about Juliet falling on her face. Case in point: nobody cared.

"Enough of this. I pray thee, hold thy peace," Lady Hyuuga ordered (translation: Shut up, Hannibal. Er, Nurse.).

Kurenai ignored the request and continued her worthless falling story. On the outside, she appeared to be wandering down Memory Lane where no one could follow. But with his hawk-like vision usually reserved for checking out the ladies undetected, Jiraiya could see in her eyes that she honestly didn't give a damn. He could see in her breasts that she was _packing._

At last, their conversation got to the point. "Tell me, daughter Juliet, how stands your disposition to be married?" Lady Hyuuga asked.

"It as an honor that I dream not of," Hinata answered. Cue collective gasp from the audience.

...

Or not.

The nurse babbled more nonsense, and then Mother Dearest continued: "Well, think of marriage now. Younger than you here in Verona, ladies of esteem are made already mothers. By my count, I was your mother much upon these years that you are now a maid. Thus then in brief: the valiant Paris seeks you for his love."

"A man, young lady! Lady, such a man as all the world. Why, he's a man of wax," Kurenai put in.

"Man of wax? Man in need of eyebrow wax, more like it!" Shikamaru sneered, getting an assenting laugh out of Ino in response. An annoying laugh, but assenting nonetheless.

By then, Sasori had noticed that Juliet's movements and speech were a bit... _off._ Were girls supposed to sound like a dude who swallowed helium and stumble around like a drunk? The puppet master sat back in his chair and waited.

After some nonsense about Paris' supposed sexiness, lame pregnancy jokes, and the entry of a servant named Peter (aka- Sai), it hit him. Using his beloved strands of chakra, he dragged the back curtain across the room with a simple flick of the wrist, revealing the dark secrets hidden backstage.

There, arms raised and fingers spread out like on the cover of a Lady Gaga album, was Kankuro. The thin lines of chakra leading from his fingers to the limbs of the one and only Hinata were a dead giveaway. "Aha," Sasori said curtly, his expression never changing.

"Curses! My cover's been blown!" Kankuro exclaimed in an unexplainable British accent, then bolted of stage, out the back door, through the lobby, and out into the night.

Kakashi stood there frozen, unable to say anything except, "This is _just _like Singing in the Rain!" before storming off to retrieve his oh-so-important extra. The curtain fell, leaving an ever more bewildered audience.

"What kind of freak would go out in the rain and _sing?_" Konohamaru wondered aloud.

Instead of flinging a body part, Hidan instead calmly got up, stood behind the boy to give him a pat on the back, and said, "I can't agree more, you little mother(cluck)er. Can't agree more."

Meanwhile, out in the Sound Village where a thunderstorm was then raging, Orochimaru's band of Sound nins that everyone forgot about after the Chuunin exams arc sat outside in the pouring rain.

"Okay everyone, on three," Sound Nin #1 instructed, "And a one, and a two, and a three-"

"_Siiiingin' in the rain, just siiiingin' in the rain..."_

**A/N: Aaaand with that note, review! Or not, as the lazy-ass author who hasn't updated in forever it's not like I'm one to talk...**


	5. Act I: Scene 4

**A/N: Let's see, it's currently 9:30pm, I give myself maybe three hours to type this up… bleh, piece o' cake! Enjoy your chapter. ^_^**

_Disclaimer: I now own an epic "Llamas With Hats" t-shirt and an equally epic belt with Union Jacks going around it. Not Naruto. Not Romeo and Juliet. Feel free to join me in mourning over in that corner during the intermission._

Act I: Scene 4

It was time for the fourth scene: the scene in which Romeo and Company go gate-crashing. Gate-crashing, of course, the very party which Juliet _just so happened _to be at. The scene in which shit actually started to happen.

Sasuke, Itachi, Naruto (aka Mercutio, according to Kakashi's mental cast list. Mercutoe according to the program typed up by the blonde ninja himself) and a gaggle of extras marched on-stage. The extras were wearing masks and holding drums, but the crazy pigtails, sand gourd, kitty ears, and skimpy clothing were a dead giveaway that they were just the same extras from earlier. Naruto for whatever reason was holding a torch. Yes, it was actually on fire.

Konohamaru reached into the air, catching the Smart Ball. "Why is _Naruto_ of all people carrying the fire-stick-thing?" he asked sweetly.

As this question—dumbly worded as it was—wasn't actually all that dumb, Sasuke decided to be a kind and benevolent human being, and answer. "If Itachi or myself had it, we'd burn this whole place down."

The tiny boy nodded in wonder.

"What, shall this speech be spoke for our excuse? Or shall we on without apology?" Sasuke said in a very emo-like fashion.

Itachi rolled his eyes. "Only old people like those _Sannin _introduce themselves like that. I say we just dance for them and go in. And it's just gate-crashing, it's not like we're going to kill everybody in there, then flee the village and join the mafia," he snorted.

Sasuke looked at his older brother funny, and then turned to the flame-bearing Naruto. "Give me a torch. I am not for this ambling. Being but heavy, I will bear the light," he said, holding his hand out to take the torch.

Naruto stepped back, clutching the lit torch to his chest. He then looked down at his hand, upon which was written… well, words. "Nay, gentle Romeo… we must… have you… dance," he read slowly, then decided it would be a good idea to perform an elaborate Charleston-esque tap combo, complete with flapper girl style arm movements. Whilst carrying a lit torch.

Sasuke continued, while Itachi and the extras stood there taking up stage space. "Not I, believe me. You have dancing shoes with nimble soles. I have a soul of lead so stakes me to the ground I cannot move," he ranted, moving his head back and forth _very_ dramatically.

Naruto then looked at the other side of his hand. "You are a lover. …Borrow Cupid's wings… and soar with them above a common bound!" he exclaimed.

Sasuke watched in horror as he then bounced around stage flapping his arms and shooting invisible arrows, pretending to be Cupid. He silently sent a prayer up to whoever it was running things, and tried to continue as planned. "I am too sore enpirced with his shaft—_Dammit Naruto, YOU'RE CARRYING FIRE!"_

The duck child chased after the blonde boy, managing to wrestle the flaming stick from his grasp. He then tossed the torch out into the audience. Why? Jashin only knows.

Naruto stopped and stared. "Why… would you do _that?_" Hidan's pained—but delighted—screams could be heard from the stands as his beloved black-and-red cloak was seared to a nice medium-rare. Kakashi sighed in relief that the immortal masochist took the blow, and not someone who'd view being barbecued as grounds for a lawsuit.

Sasuke paused for a second, then reached into his pocket and pulled out a small round object. "Well shit, it's the Idiot Ball," he muttered. He shoved the Idiot Ball right down into Naruto's pants, accomplishing two things: putting the dreaded object back in its rightful place and getting a few shrieks from the yaoi fangirls.

Itachi finally lost it in his emotionless way of losing it. "Let's go to that bloody party and start doing the Macarena already."

Emo Boy decided to be sad for no reason again. "A torch for me. Let wantons light of heart tickle the senseless rushes with their heels. For I am proverbed with a grandshire prai-"

"_SHUT. The HELL up. YOU EMO KID!" _the entire audience chorused in amazing perfect unison.

"It's okay Sasuke, I still love you! Of course I kinda like Chouji too, I dunno why I mean _what_ do I _see_ in him but you know I like him anyway so if you wanna go shag that Sakura chick I'm fine here…" Ino rambled, then finally stopped when she realized how awkward she was making everything. Poor Chouji, for instance, wanted to crawl into a hole and eat dirt, fertilizer, and people's dead pets with the worms for the rest of eternity.

"… Yeah… we're burning daylight, LET'S GO TO THAT PARTY!" Naruto shouted.

"Nay, that's not so, 'tis night," Sasuke snarked.

"Don't be a smartass, little brother. There are people out there who want to use your intestines as a jump rope as it is," Itachi said flatly. A few shreds of Konohamaru's innocence flew out the window.

Sasuke sighed, "And we mean well in going to this mask, but 'tis no wit to go."

"Why?" Naruto asked.

"I dreamt a dream tonight."

"Sweet, me too!" the blonde exclaimed.

"Well, what was yours?"

"That dreamers often lie."

"In bed asleep while they do dream things true."

Naruto's face took upon an expression like a detective suddenly realizing that the butler _did_ in fact stab the victim to death with some well-aimed expensive cutlery, and said, "Oh, then, I see Queen Mab hath been with you."

Itachi 's eyebrows jumped. "Who… the _fuck_… is Queen Mab?"

Naruto grinned from ear to ear, and babbled, "She's the ruler of the planet Magrathea, and on that planet everyone's a unicorn and they eat rainbows and poop butterflies! And there's a giant supercomputer involved somehow!"

The Uchiha brothers stared in awe.

"Okay, Naruto? I'm confiscating your copies of _Horton Hears a Who_ and _Hitchhiker's Guide_ as soon as this is over and _burning them_, capiche?" Sasuke warned.

"Wait, don't burn _Hitchhiker's Guide_, I rather like that series. The robot reminds me of you sometimes and it makes me laugh," Itachi stated.

Sasuke briefly imagined his brother laughing, was scarred for life, and agreed if not for the sake of protecting his mind from any further damage.

Naruto crossed his arms and pouted. _"Sheesh,_ I was just trying to say that dreams are a bunch of baloney! _Gawd!"_ he huffed.

"Fine, point made. Let's get to the party, we're missing dinner," Itachi commanded.

"I fear too early, for my mind misgives some consequence yet hanging in the stars-"

"We get it, you think coming to this party will be the death of you," Itachi interrupted. "Strike, drum," he said to the extras, and the main trio began to march about the stage in a very campy fashion. But something was amiss: the drum was not being struck.

Itachi ceased his marching, and looked at the extras. Gaara, Temari, Kankuro, and Sai had all fallen asleep on their feet. "Well, dammit," he cursed, and just left the stage.

After Kakashi had cleared all the snoozing extras out of the public eye, he realized something: that entire scene, there hadn't been a single loud and obnoxious outburst from Jiraiya or Hidan. Curious, he turned to face the audience. The ever-living Jashinist was still on fire, and several members of the audience were roasting marshmallows and enjoying some extremely delicious s'mores. The director narrowed his eyes, and went backstage.

**A/N: That took… ninety minutes. If you folks are lucky you might get another chap in a few hours, because I DON'T FEEL LIKE SLEEPING! *bounces off the walls for a bit* :D**


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